“And then she realized that a fresh start was hers for the taking, that she could be the woman she’s always seen on the distant horizon – her future self. One step at a time, starting today.” – Erica Layne
Spring is a season of new beginnings, a time of renewal, a time to embrace a fresh start …
“Marci, the way your teeth are breaking from clenching your jaw are signs of someone who is under a tremendous amount of stress, is everything ok?”
I remember sinking into the chair as my dentist’s words struck a sharp, painful realization … Had he really found me out? I felt like such a fraud. Oh God, who did I think I was kidding??
I had been pretending that everything was fine for so long, but deep down, I knew that it wasn’t.
Something hadn’t felt right on the inside of me for quite sometime, but I hadn’t been willing to look at it.
I just kept sweeping my feelings under the rug, busying myself into my kids, their activities, my work, anything to avoid looking at what was really going on beneath the surface. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was scared at what I would find if I went looking.
This moment, sitting in the cold, uncomfortable dentist chair, mouth gripping in pain & my heart feeling completely broken, I was faced with a decision.
I could continue to dismiss the warning signs and try and hide from my past, doing my best to carry on with crying myself to sleep and push through another restless night, maintain the walls & barriers of protection that I had built around my heart that left me feeling empty on the inside, put up with my intense mood swings that led to feeling ashamed & guilt ridden after the blow-ups I’d have on my kids & husband, and continue the frequent Friday night wine stops at the liquor store to try to numb the pain of another stressful work week at a job that didn’t fulfill me …
Or, I could take a long, hard look at myself & what I had been choosing, and ask the question,
“Does this work for me anymore?”
Seems like a very simple question, doesn’t it?
Little did I know at the time, that this one seemingly insignificant little question would forever change the course of my life.
That was 10 years ago this spring.
It was a time for my fresh start. A time for renewal. A time to re-examine my life and really look at everything thing I was choosing up until that point.
A time to give myself permission to begin releasing all the ways I had been hiding from myself, hiding from the truth, hiding from the life I was truly meant to create.
This is when the greatest journey of my life began … the journey to discovering the real me.
You see, up until this point in my life I had been functioning from a place of shoulds & obligations, judgment’s, and other people’s expectations of me. I had been living this way for so long, that it felt as though I really didn’t even know who I was or what I really wanted with my life. All I knew was a deep yearning on the inside kept me up at night, and whispered to me, “Marci, you know you are meant for more!”
From as early as I can remember, I was the rescuer, the people pleaser, the fixer, the problem solver, the savior, the good girl, the good daughter, the perfectionist, the hard worker, and when I became a mom and got married, more roles were added and I strived to be the good wife & the supermom… and God knows how many other roles I was working my ass off to portray.
I didn’t know it at the time, but these were all of the roles I took on to cover up my insecurities, feelings of self-doubt & unworthiness, and the not-enoughness that I had carried with me into my adult life from the unhealed wounds of my childhood.
I was so afraid that if people new the real me (or the façade of a me I thought I was), I would be abandoned, rejected, neglected and betrayed all over again … so I took on all of these different roles, wore so many masks, seeking approval, recognition, acknowledgement, and happiness from sources outside of myself.
I didn’t know that it was all of these roles and false perceptions that I had of myself that was holding me hostage to my past, keeping me dissatisfied & discontent with my life, and completely disconnected from my true, authentic self.
It was in portraying all of these roles and wearing the masks, that I was the one who was abandoning, rejecting, neglecting, and betraying myself all along.
It left me depleted, numb, stressed to the max and totally burnt out, with no time or energy to pursue my passions or do meaningful work that actually got me excited to get out of bed in the morning.
As I began to forge my own path and do the inner work, peeling back all the layers, and letting go of all the roles that were not serving me, only then could I find the time & energy to create a safe space to uncover more and more of who I really was.
This fresh start gave me the opportunity to finally be able to look in the mirror, know my worth, and absolutely fall in love with the person staring back at me.
Learning to love myself and treat myself like my own best friend became my guiding light to my new life.
If any of this resonates with you, I would love to hear from you.
It means so much to me to hear from people who connect with my shared experiences, and it comforts me to know that by sharing my story it could be the key to unlocking someone else’s prison.
I’ve learned that by giving our pain a voice and a purpose, it is then that we are finally able to set ourselves free.
Asking the question, “Does this work for me?”, before choosing anything and everything, gave me permission to let go of things, even when it was hard to do so, so that I could finally make space to become the women I had always known I was meant to be!! (minus all the pressure, guilt, shame, and insecurities.)
As you read this, was there anything that came up for you? Is there anything in your life that you could be asking, “Does this work for me anymore?”, knowing that if you would let go of it, could create a space for you to be more of yourself and discover what fresh start & new beginning is awaiting you?
If you are feeling called to navigate a new path in a brand-new way, I would love to support you.
Learn more about coaching with me by scheduling a free Connect Call here.
Lots of love,
Marci
Marci is helping thousands of women who are entering the next chapter of life, find their voice, reclaim their passion, find balance and create a meaningful life they love by using online education, courses, and 1-1 coaching.
